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The
Famous Five
Escapades in Mergui
with S.E.A.L.
"This
is a first-hand account, written by Sheryl Gault from Hong Kong.
She and her friends joined us on one of our first sea-kayaking safaris at
Christmas 1998. Since then our safaris have been refined and
re-tuned".
Featuring:
S.E.A.L. TEAM
-
Graham:
Trip Leader/Chief Grump
-
Niyah:
Hostess (with the Mostest)
-
Ryan:
Student of Environmental Things, and how to be TOTALLY one of the girls
-
Porn:
SEAL 1 Captain/Smooth Operator of the month
-
Cheong:
SEAL 1 Second Officer/other talents unknown
-
Coco:
Myanmar Secret Agent/Dishwasher
-
Cook:
Cook/Tent-mate of the month
-
SEAL
1: the ultimate in toys for boys
-
Edgar:
the turkey
THE
FAMOUS FIVE:
-
Janet:
Chief Liaison Officer
-
“Hawkeye”
Kendal: Chief Wildlife Spotter
-
Hannie:
Founder, Alka Seltzer Fan Club
-
Meg:
Chief Bug Lover
-
Sheryl:
Chief “SPONG”-er
Collectively,
YOU NAME IT, THEY’LL DRINK
IT, PADDLE IT OR TREK IT
Day
0: Christmas Eve 1998
The
Gathering…
From
all points of the globe, the famous five head to Thailand to begin their big
adventure. Janet wings into Phuket
from Tokyo, Hannie takes an arduous flight from Brazil, via Frankfurt and is
delayed five hours, Sheryl and Meg cruise in from Hong Kong via Bangkok and
Kendal decides that Ranong is actually the best place to be on the 24th
of December.
Christmas
Eve Celebrations:Hannie,
suffering from 24 hours of flying, is forced to dress up in someone else’s
dress and shoes, and join Sheryl and Meg for a huge Christmas Eve night out –
a ritzy dinner followed by a few very unritzy nightclubs.
These three start their adventure with an all night dancing session,
finally getting home at around 4.30am. They
are still confident that they will be up in time to get to SEAL offices by 9am
– because everyone knows Santa will wake them up before then.
Janet,
lounging in her luxury Patong hotel (hey – it did have a hairdryer), spends a
quiet evening washing the contents of her suitcase, which have been thoroughly
drenched by various leaking haircare products.
Janet tries not to think about the terrible HAIR consequences in the days
ahead, and writes a quick note to Santa to see what he might have left over in
his Vidal Sassoon range. She is
however, confident that she will be up in time to get to SEAL offices by 8.15
tomorrow morning.
Kendal,
driven insane by boredom in Ranong, causes herself actual bodily harm and has to
write a note to Santa for emergency ankle support.
Meanwhile,
the SEAL team also hit Ranong for Christmas Eve. Managing to avoid Kendal by just a few minutes, Graham,
Niyah, Ryan & co begin their celebrations.
Graham fell asleep before he could write anything to Santa at all, and
the others just asked that they be spared more Hong Kong Bankers in the coming
week.
Day
1: Christmas Day 1998
The
Beginning
Christmas
morning dawned clear and bright in Patong.
Janet awoke to find Santa was clean out of haircare products, but she was
undeterred and made post haste to SEAL offices.
Santa
had visited Meg, Sheryl and Hannie. He
had slipped in and left stockings at the end of their beds.
They had all been too tired to write their letters to Santa, but somehow
Santa knew that Alka Seltzers were the very best presents he could bring to
Hannie this year.
Santa
had not visited Ranong at all.
So
bidding farewell to Marlene and the office team, four of the famous five meet
for their epic minibus journey to Ranong.
Remembering
wonderful RUM experiences from past trips, Sheryl was determined to find RUM
en-route. Best attempts yielded only some evil Thai whiskey.
Kendal,
now desperate to escape from Ranong, sits on the doorstep of the hotel for four
hours. She hobbles into the minibus
at breakneck speed, full of animated conversation and Christmas cheer to share
with her new chums. In fact, she
scarcely seems to notice that her new chums were only semi-conscious and
incapable of articulating anything more than the odd monosyllabic phrase, such
as “give me alka seltzer’s” and “I
want RUM”.
Having
met Graham and the team, it now came time for the famous five to wake up, and
meet SEAL 1.
SEAL
1 was waiting at the wharf, laden with cooler boxes and luggage.
But there was something special in the way that Graham’s eyes softened
as he looked at her, and the gentle way he held her wheel in his hands. She was
a mean machine, and the famous five were now entering her world – a world of
black balaclavas and secret missions. The
excitement mounted as they straddled their SAS seats, slipped their feet into
the stirrups and prepared to be propelled into adventure……
In
fact, Graham drives SEAL 1 at about 2 miles an hour down the river to Kawthaung,
so it is a bit of an anticlimax really.
A
tour of Kawthaung amazes everyone with the long boring story of the most boring
king in history, and a temple with a record amount of broken mirror mosaic.
Returning to SEAL 1 at dusk, and suddenly the sense of adventure is
rekindled as SEAL 1 flies through the calm sparkling water towards the Mergui
Islands.
Nightfall
comes at sea and the excitement builds as the light of a distant campfire
appears on the horizon. This is to be home for a couple of days.
Base camp 1.
Ashore,
the famous five review the situation. Time
to get long trousers and tops on to combat the sandflies, and time to discover
what a really BAD HAIR experience the boat trip has been.
Thank goodness for Sheryl’s magic hairbrush.
Good
first experiences start to flood in – blazing campfires, a new concoction of
Milo and rum, and a pleasant surprise to find a proper flushing WC.
The
main tent had mysteriously disappeared overnight, Coco (Myanmar Secret Agent)
had been unable to put it up again alone. This
is no great surprise, given that Coco is about five-foot tall with legs like
toothpicks and the main tent is rather large.
However, Graham was not impressed and decided Coco could wash the dishes
forever, or at least until he grew strong enough to erect the big tent
single-handed.
So
cook and Niyah set about work in the galley, and an evening meal was served
under the stars. Fine wine served
by the beaker, followed by a round or two of rum caused an easy flow of
conversation as the company mellowed and began to explore the outer boundaries
of ‘getting to know you’ conversation. Outer boundaries are quickly
breached, middle ones ignored completely and before the night is out the bonding
process is well underway. This is
going to be a great trip.
Now
its bedtime. Meg is not a bug fan.
She discovers the best way to overcome bug-phobia is to drink lots of rum
before bedtime, and keep the tent zipped up tight.
Also, have a tent within yelling distance of your friends.
There
comes the dulcet tones of tooth brushing from various quarters, and the dull
thud of bodies hitting the ground as various methods of entering the tent
without stepping sand in are attempted. The
notable exception here is Kendal, who just walked right on in and then spent the
next three days trying to sweep the sand out again with a feather duster.
Then spent the next two days trying to sweep the feathers out.
Inside
the tents, various methods of arranging the bedding are attempted – that
discussion will continue for nights to come and the argument is never resolved.
Sheet bag over mattress or around body is an intensely personal decision,
and no recommendation will be made on this point.
So
ends DAY 1. Merry Christmas to all.
THE
FAMOUS FIVE:
Day
1: Advice on Men
Janet:
Never go for a younger man
Kendal:
Never go for a foreigner
Hannie:
Always go for men of the same age
Meg:
Always go for older men
Sheryl:
Never marry them
Day
2: Boxing Day 1998
Dawn
comes and Kendal is up with the sun. Janet
follows soon after and the others don’t stir until the tents heat up like
ovens. Hannie is finally allowed to
sleep and recover from her jetlag/hangover.
To
celebrate the second Dutch Christmas day, Hannie has learnt to spell Alka
Seltzer, writes it in her diary and promises faithfully never to forget it. She
is, however, convinced that it is a mind-altering drug due to its remarkable
restorative effects.
Alka
Seltzer breakfast this morning for: Kendal – who cannot remember any of the
conversation last night at all.
A
form of routine is established, wake up, put on bikini/swimsuit, stagger from
tent, find glasses/contact lenses (if applicable), gallop down to the beach and
start the day with a swim in the gorgeous turquoise water. Emerge and run like crazy back before the sandflies get you,
then drape a sarong around any appropriate bits of the anatomy and quietly dry
out waiting for breakfast.
Graham
learns the first lesson about the famous five.
Tell everyone to be ready at least 30 minutes before you really need them
to be ready. A sterling performance
this morning sees the first communal suncream application session, various
shoe/sarong loans and a discussion on the optimal order for applying
sunscreen/insect repellant and anti-itch cream.
Finally,
to SEAL 1. Well, last night was
easy because SEAL 1 sat beside a nice wooden wharf. The famous five are now
challenged with assisted beach boarding. This
involves wading to thigh deep water, stepping delicately on Graham or Ryan, and
being propelled gracefully over the side of the boat, which is bobbing around
above head height. Techniques vary,
from the flaying limb sidescrabble and flop, to the classic bum-up nose-dive.
It’s
a great feeling to be flying along in SEAL 1 again, on the way to a small island
for a morning of snorkeling and kayak familiarisation.
On the way out several pods of dolphins are playing around the fishing
nets, but they are not interested in swimming with SEAL.
Arriving
at another pristine island, the water a clear sapphire blue in the depths, then
paling from rich turquoise to aquamarine as it curled into the unspoiled talcum
beach.
It
is time for snorkeling – the old hands are off and away around the reef in no
time. For Han, snorkeling is another first, and after a few pointers from
Graham, Han is off exploring the giant clams and coral like a pro.
This
counts as exercise of course, so the five are now convinced it is chill out and
get a tan time – but no, this is a KAYAKING holiday, and the morning is not
finished yet. It’s time to become
acquainted with the kayaks….
So
the five take a few minutes paddling instruction from Graham and Ryan, and its
into the water and away. It is with
horror halfway around the island that someone reads the kayak label-
“not
to be used when under the influence of mind altering drugs or alcohol…..”
Well,
this cuts out 100% of the famous five around 95% of the time.
It could be a holiday disaster. Kendal
is already under the influence of mind altering alka seltzer this morning, and
is proving it by kayaking rapidly in circles.
Graham,
our hero, provides reassurance that the warning is completely out of order and
in fact, he never kayaks without alcohol or mind altering drugs in the
bloodstream as it is a much slower and less exciting experience.
Encouraged by this, the famous five weave, circle and collide with
renewed vigour, and are amazed to find that in no time at all they have managed
to circumnavigate the island.
A
quick return to base camp for a well-deserved scrummy lunch.
Graham
briefs on the adventure in store for the afternoon – just a five-minute trip
by boat, then paddling up a mangrove river with the kayaks.
Could the girls manage to be ready to get to SEAL 1 in half an hour??…
of course not. Graham is not
learning fast enough. An hour
passes, by which time finally the lotions, potions and creams have been
liberally reapplied and it is time to leap back into SEAL 1.
Edgar
the turkey waved everyone off that day, for sadly it was Edgar’s last
afternoon as an intact bird – and nobody even said goodbye to him.
Sure
enough, five minutes with SEAL1 at full speed, and the excitement starts again,
this time boarding the kayaks from SEAL 1.
Now confident of their paddling prowess, the five all manage this with
style, and set off behind Graham and Ryan down the river.
The
five are suddenly enshrouded in the surreal, mystical atmosphere of the mangrove
swamp, alive with noise, of SOMETHING moving everywhere, but yet perfectly
still. They try to paddle very
quietly in circles, and collide very gently.
Then, having concentrated on some rustle or crackle for an instant, they
peer ahead to find their beloved leaders. One lesson about Graham becomes clear.
Graham likes SEAL 1 because she is FAST.
Graham actually just likes going FAST.
He even likes kayaking FAST. This
is not a picnic girls. Get going
and catch up! Eventually, Graham
and Ryan are discovered at the end of the tributary, it peeters out to a tiny
muddy trickle. Now the whole team
is charged with performing a three-point turn.
The five have been unnaturally quiet and serious, and it is time for a
good dose of hysterical giggling, to prove they are still kayaking under the
influence of mind-altering drugs.
Taking
another junction in the river, Kendal earns her first Blue Peter Spotter points.
Graham and Ryan (100
Miles
an hour) have missed a nice brown snake curled around a tree – but Kendal,
hangover or not, manages to see it. The
five are impressed with themselves, and catch up with Graham and Ryan at a tiny
settlement beside the river.
The
group seems to be a couple of families, and building beautiful clay-brick kilns
with domed tops, which initially seem rather innocuous – the innocent at heart
(Sheryl, Meg) thinking they would be making nice pots, or plates…. But no,
these are kilns for making charcoal – and the plan is to burn off the trees in
the national park. If the
government patrol boats had discovered them, the officials would simply shoot
them on sight.
Turning
back, and retracing the path back to the sea, everyone is pleased to see
Kendal’s snake is still there, to prove its existence!
Graham is unimpressed as he keeps King Cobras under the fridge at his
place and a brown mangrove snake halfway up a tree is scarcely worth a second
glance.
Paddling
back down river the light starts to fade, and several pairs of hornbill fly
overhead. With their eyes to the
sky and trees, the five are paying scant attention to the river ahead, and without warning three kayakers are
stranded on sand banks, using any means possible to try and free themselves
WITHOUT getting their feet wet. It
doesn’t work. Feet have to go
overboard.
Finally,
SEAL 1 looms ahead, and its five minutes by boat back to camp.
The
campfires are lit, the big tent is up, the rum and Milo is already on its way,
and its shower time. It’s a
girlie holiday this one, and a shower means full shampoo, conditioner, etc etc.
Meg learns a lesson here. Don’t
be last in the shower. The water
can run out – and it did. Thank
goodness for Niyah, Porn and Cheong on hand to replace the water sac.
Thank goodness, too, for nice big bath towels!
It’s
a mellow evening. The big tent is
great to stretch out in and drink more Milo and rum.
Looking to the galley, there is Edgar, squewered over a cooking fire,
sizzling gently and awaiting his big moment.
But it will be some time, because he is a big bird.
Even Graham accepts that this is something he cannot do faster- but you
can see him plotting the SEAL 1 Rapid Rotisserie Unit for next year.
The
conversation flows again, and
burning, desperate issues arise, such as
“who
is the seventh dwarf?”
“how
many outrageous Captain Pugwash characters can we remember?”
“what
were the names of the other famous five?”
“what
noise did Zebedee REALLY make?”
But
it is also not without some true sharing of families, life histories, and
experiences.
Edgar’s
moment comes. Its Christmas Dinner
in Mergui. We have roast potatoes,
vegetables, turkey, gravy, the lot. What
a great meal. More, (well actually
the last) of the SEAL kayak trip wine is consumed.
Dinner table conversation continues and it is not until someone mentioned
Monica Lewinsky’s dress that Han really came to terms with what was wrong with
a sailor called Seaman Stains. The
Dutch were too smart to have Captain Pugwash on their television.
Graham
remembers the seventh dwarf. Bashful.
How can such a shy, quiet group of people possibly forget Bashful???
Kendal,
who forgot what she said last night, is amazed that everyone already seems to
know the stories she is about to tell.
Janet
still stays quiet about the ambassador……
Night
quickly wears into the early hours of the morning, and the rum keeps flowing.
Gradually, people drift to their tents until just Ryan, Meg and Sheryl
survive for a team toothbrushing (and flossing) session at around 3am.
Out with the candles, and goodnight to day two.
Day
3: 27th December 1998
Daylight
brings another beautiful blue sky. The
early birds (Janet and Kendal) are up and about at daybreak, the others emerge
an hour or so later. Exciting newsflash for the breakfast table – Kendal had a
visitor last night – a small snuffling blob was heard, and felt, against her
tent! Definitely a pig, says
Graham, (though some later tales led the five to believe otherwise….) and so
PORKY enters the escapades.
Alka
Seltzer count this morning? Famous five all OK, Ryan in need of some support.
Adventures
ahead today? Sea Gypsy village morning, mangrove kayaking in the afternoon.
Graham, at his grumpiest in the morning, insists on a 30 minute
turnaround – and the girls respond in admirable style – one hour later.
Back
onto SEAL 1 and just five minutes by boat, the sea gypsy village comes into
view. The sea gypsies are
traditionally nomadic, living on their boats continuously.
They speak their own language and are physically different from the
Burmese people. Recently, to try and get tabs on the population, the Myanmar
government has built a village for the sea gypsies on Lampi Island.
Although the village has started to be used by Burmese fishermen and
traders, it is still the only population in the Mergui Islands, and visiting
them is a unique experience.
Approaching
the village, suitable insect-repellent, shoes and discrete sarong coverage is
put into place.
An
hour or so spent strolling through the village, the children all dressed up in
their best clothes for the visitors, and every proud mother insisting that a
photo be taken of her and her baby. The
day to day life continued too,-
one
little boy building a perfect model hut out of twigs in the sand,
-
an old lady with
blackened, broken teeth passing out raw portions of shellfish she was
preparing to the children who surrounded her.
-
Little boys lined up
playing in miniature dug-out canoes,
-
teenage girls sitting
shyly, smoking huge cigarettes or their grandmothers with pipes,
-
one old lady lying sick
under her hut surrounded by womenfolk, obviously able to do little but rock
her and wail gently through her moans
At
the end of the village a Buddhist monk has his home and temple, and his daughter
runs a school there for the children. The
monk retired from the army some years ago and now acts as the caretaker of the
village, trying to help acclimatise the sea gypsies to living ashore. Most visits, time is taken by SEAL crew to catch up with the
monk on recent news, or to supply medical or school requirements for the
village.
Today,
the monk is not around, or unavailable for a chat, so the team head back to SEAL
1 – for a five minute boat trip back home for lunch.
EXCITING
NEWS AT LUNCHTIME!
Coco
had seen two elephants at the back of our camp yesterday. He had been very frightened indeed and had not told anybody
until today – just in case somehow it might be his fault again and who knows
what unimaginable punishments could be in store. In desperation, it is suspected
that Coco had tried to drive the elephants off using his magical English tune
– “OBLA-DE, OBLA-DA”.
Clearly the elephants had heard the rest of the song before and escaped
screaming into the jungle before Coco could admit that that was actually the
only bit he knew.
Nevertheless,
terribly exciting news as elephant tracks have been found often on the island,
but the elephants themselves had never been sighted during the SEAL trips.
So
mobilised again, the five prepare for an action-packed afternoon – a
kayak/mangrove trek. Multi tasking
seems to be required, so additional time is needed to get boots out, ankle
support for Kendal, plus the usual myriad of supplies.
Even Graham this time is well kitted out with a rucksack of water, first
aid etc.
Guess
what. Five minutes by boat is all
it will take to get to the mangrove river, where the scheme is to paddle inland
to a sandbank, then leave the kayaks, don boots and trek up into the surrounding
jungle. Sounds like a pretty
comprehensive plan from Graham this time!
As
SEAL 1 turns to head into the mangrove river, Porn is suddenly in competition
for the Blue Peter Spotter Badge. He
sights two elephants on the riverbank, standing watching SEAL 1.
One
is a huge fully tusked bull, the other probably a female. They both stand for a few seconds staring at the boat, whilst
the team stood equally transfixed staring back, scarcely believing their eyes.
Porn turned SEAL 1 inshore gently, and a kayak was put into the water to
let Graham paddle closer. The
pressure on Ryan suddenly grows immense as he is only person holding a camera
with a zoom sufficient to take a good photograph.
The
elephants started to move along the beach, throwing sand over themselves, them
amble gently up into the jungle beyond. They
were probably relieved that nobody tried to sing Obla-de Obla-da to them, but
stayed around just in case someone was going to play some good rock’n roll.
Graham did not oblige, so they gradually
moved away inland.
Graham
paddled back to SEAL 1, and the excitement on board was HUGE.
All original plans were rapidly reshuffled in favour of an immediate
shore-paddle to see the elephant tracks. Then,
paddle some more, then trek as planned. So
the five were duly dispatched to kayak, with boots etc.
So
said Graham, just a quick walk on the beach to see where they’ve been, then
back into the kayaks. OK everyone?
Sure, cried all, and jumped on out in their bare feet or sandals, and
followed Graham, leaving boots, rucksacks, water etc with the kayaks.
Lesson
2 about Graham. Graham gets
excited, and very, very, focussed. Right now, Graham is focussed on tracking two
large elephants. And that is
exciting, and that is that. Nothing
else really matters.
The
quick beach walk seems to be extending just a shade into mangrove/jungle, and
those in bare feet finally call foul, and insist on returning to don boots or
trainers. Ryan is still foolishly
happy in his bare feet. Ryan is young and does foresee the impact of the
focussed look in his leader’s eye. This will be no short beach stroll.
For
large creatures, the elephants have moved extremely fast.
The beach has turned to tussock, to full mangrove swamp.
The five are unofficially jungle trekking.
Suddenly, a wide river appears and there is no indication of where the
elephants may have crossed. Deterred for only a few minutes, Graham sets off
across the river. It is a mangrove
river, muddy and none too clear. It
is wet.
Graham
disappears up to his neck, and keeps on going, emerging mud-caked and triumphant
on the other bank. But there are
limits to what a girl will do on a beach walk. Janet has brand new white trainers, which she hopes to keep
looking new. Everyone has rather
nice dry clothes on, which are feeling very comfortable in comparison to
Graham’s now manky looking kit. There
is mutiny in the air.
“COME
ON THEN” yells fast, focussed Graham – “THE ELEPHANTS CAME THIS WAY” –
that does it. The famous five,
Niyah and Ryan are suddenly all in the river in various stages of undress, with
T-shirt turbans, hands aloft with the last dry Kleenex pack, other hands aloft
with nice clean white trainers, the dry bag full of camera equipment above
Ryan’s head. All the girls are
shorter than Graham, so it’s a swim for nearly everyone.
Emerging
dripping, muddy, and giggling, general consensus is that this adventure is
getting better by the minute. Trying
to prise her trainers back onto her mud-encased feet, Janet will need a bit more
convincing yet.
Trekking
on through mud and snake-infested waters, the intrepid explorers continue
undaunted, the elephants are still ahead and leave a remarkably unmarked trial,
just the odd track in the mud, or a broken twig here and there.
Trying
very hard but failing dismally to move with any stealth, the famous five and
SEAL team are sounding like an entire herd of drunken elephants, whilst the two
real elephants seem to move rapidly, and quietly through the terrain.
However,
it must be said that enormous effort was going into NOT talking, and this is a
dangerous phenomena with the five. It
implies that hysterical outbursts are brewing within and are likely to explode
at unexpected, and probably inconvenient, moments. The odd snort is already emerging from various quarters…
control is slipping…
On
a positive note, it has to be said that totally unconscious attempts at
camouflage on behalf of the team were hugely effective.
Distinguishing one of the famous five in her former white T-shirt and
shorts from the average mud splattered mangrove branch is virtually impossible.
Gradually
the mangrove swamp is left behind and is replaced by jungle proper.
Pausing for a moment in a clearing, there is a crash in the jungle ahead
– the elephants! Then, another
crash, to the right – and then another – very close by – the tension is
tangible as the team stands shock still… Suddenly, PORKY PIG emerges from the
undergrowth ahead – takes a look forward, nearly dies of fright, and hurtles
off at a gallop. That does it.
The team, having jumped out of their skin seeing PORKY, now collapses
into hysteria. It will be a few
moments before anyone is fit to carry on, but Graham is still focussed, and the
noises to the right are still there.
Climbing
seriously up into the forest, the elephants are now very close by, and this time
they can be heard just ahead. At
last, caution gets the better of valour, and even Graham is reluctant to run
face to face with a charging bull elephant.
The team turns and head back.
Somehow
the way back is always faster, and easier. The chatter grows, wildlife spotting
is abandoned completely and the excitement is aired as everyone agrees what a
fantastic afternoon it has been. Even
Janet, by the time the beach was reached again, had agreed it was the highlight
of the trip so far.
Back
at the rivermouth, SEAL 1 comes to the rescue. The peace and serenity of another
perfect evening tempt most to kayak home through the twilight.
As darkness falls, the stillness of the night is pierced by the shrieks
of panicking monkeys. The five guess that a feline predator has made its kill.
Back
at base camp, there is bad news – the milo has run out! Never mind, a nice hot cup of tea with a rum and coke
immediately should compensate nicely…. The
normal shower and evening dress routine passes uneventfully, and its dinner time
again.
Lots
of energy around the dinner table tonight, as the images of the elephants haunt
everyone and the adventure of the day is relived. The night wears on again into morning, vast amounts of rum
are consumed and the conversation keeps flowing.
One bottle of rum has found its way down the beach to the chief liaison
officer’s office, Kendal’s aching ankle is deposited in the coolbox with the
coke and soft drinks. Megs primrose
oil capsules are retrieved out of the coolbox looking terribly sad and rather
rude, and somehow everyone is wearing Meg’s new Christmas perfume, especially
Graham. Graham has unwittingly
become a walking (well, stumbling) advertisement for “Woman”, by Davidoff.
It’s
past 2am, and Meg has decided its bedtime.
“Woman” is taken back to the tent, and Meg returns to singe her hair
on the candles and tell everyone that she is, in fact, very very drunk.
Then she is off back to bed to see her bugs.
In
fact, everyone is very very drunk tonight.
Sheryl somehow fails to find her tent, and when Han takes a 4am trip to
the WC, Sheryl is asleep there, and is not sure quite how the hours have
disappeared between toothbrush time and dawn.
Day
4: 28th December 1998
Dawn
breaks on another beautiful day. Sleep
has visited briefly, but mercifully, and it is to be MOVING day.
Everyone is up and packed early, so that the SEAL team can shift camp.
Alka
Seltzer breakfast today for Meg and Sheryl, and no doubt Graham – but he will
never admit it.
Meg
has awoken with a mysterious new passion for spring cleaning this morning that
surpasses even Kendal’s feather duster fetish.
Meg’s tent will be moved in spotless condition.
The
five are loaded aboard SEAL 1 after breakfast, equipped for a full day out.
Sandwiches, lashings of ginger beer, kayaks, fruit, books, sarongs –
and Ryan.
Charged
with baby-sitting the five for the day, Ryan has a spring in his step and a
glint in his eye. In fact, he is
just OVERJOYED because it means he doesn’t have to help shift camp – it will
all be done whilst he is away.
So
off, five minutes by boat to another wonderful island, this time one with caves,
shade and rocks to keep the girls entertained for hours on end.
In fact, Sheryl and Meg are happy to lie on a cool shady rock, and sleep.
Kendal and Janet hit the beach for a sunbathe and a read, and Han is
feeling hyperactive and only lasts five minutes before she is jumping around
keen to be off kayaking. Ryan, keen
to encourage activity, helps her into the kayak and reclines again with his
book.
Time
flows by gently. The tide shifts,
the caves fill up. Sheryl wakes up
recovered, hyper, and needs to climb every rockface nearby.
Snorkeling is next on the agenda, and everyone has a wee swim around –
a chance to see that fishing boats has seriously damaged the coral.
Finally Ryan realises everyone is now awake, and no longer hung over, and
the beach is getting smaller by the minute.
Giant clamshells have been dug up out of the sand to take back to camp,
and the food is running out. Time
for a diversionary kayak trip. So
all but Janet hit the boats for a tour around the island, and it was a lovely
paddle. The lee side of the island
was beautifully calm, and there were several swift caves to explore, where
bird’s nests are collected.
Ryan’s
sense of panic that in fact he was to be stranded forever on the island with
five mad females subsided as SEAL 1 appeared to pick everyone up.
Waving fond farewells to ‘their’ island, the five look forward keenly
to seeing their new home – base camp II.
Base
camp II is beautiful. The beach is
gorgeous, and is backed by brilliant emerald green jungle.
No sandflies here, and a freshwater outlet where communal showers can be
enjoyed.
The
camp move has been hectic, but largely successful.
It is a huge job and general consensus is that next time it will probably
be better just to come straight to this site, and stay put.
Niyah, Graham and the team have lugged tons of equipment and set up the
new camp perfectly. Just a few more tents left to get up before bedtime.
So,
the five and Ryan, who have now bonded completely, head down for a shower, armed
with an odd collection of bowls, buckets and jugs. The joy of having a full bucket of ‘fresh’ water poured
over a girl’s hair is a luxury beyond words, and it is time to get all the
communal beauty aids out. Changed
and fresh, the five now share the secrets of TONER with Ryan, whose life and
skin will never be the same.
The
new WC is glorious, a little down the beach (turn left at the second big tree)
and sittingfacing the sea. The
five hold judgement on this arrangement, it feels just a bit exposed, even for
an Outdoor Girl…..
Sheryl
has now got more square footage of insect bite on her body than normal skin.
Graham , who is leader and therefore knows best, insists that the welts
and itch are pure imagination.
Divine
providence intervenes as darkness falls. After
his relaxing day with the girls, Ryan is called over by the SEAL boys, and is
asked to help put up the last of the tents.
This Ryan is happy to do, until he discovers that:
a)
he is now the only one left, and the rest of the crew have disappeared,
and
b)
the last tent is Graham and Niyah’s, and there is not enough poles left
to put it up anyway.
Niyah
and cook have produced another wonderful meal, and it is consumed with normal
gusto. Rum intake has slowed a
little tonight, the liaison office seems to have been successfully relocated,
and generally a mellow evening is passed. However,
a watershed has been reached with group dynamics and somehow a 1am swaree to the
new WC involved three girls and Ryan, who now appeared to find the
arrangement ideal, as conversation need not be interrupted at any point.
It
is later this evening that Ryan brings his environmental knowledge to bear, and
reminds everyone that in fact, the best place to brush ones teeth, etc, etc, is
actually just below the high tide mark. Taking
this to heart, Sheryl trekked to the beach with her toothbrush in hand and
returned 15minutes later to find Ryan and Meg brushing enthusiastically into the
tree behind the big tent.
Sheryl
and Meg are now sharing a tent, as it has proved impossible to get Graham and
Niyah’s up. This is great, as now
any bug alert can be raised, and dealt with, instantly.
Janet
has still not told the tale about the ambassador, and keeps disappearing
quietly, before anyone can remind her….
Luckily,
there are plenty of tales to be told still, and so passes night one at the
beautiful new base camp.
Day 5: 29th December
1998
Morning
comes to Base Camp II. The routine is the same, but the sandflies aren’t an
issue, and everyone is able to enjoy an early morning solitary stroll along the
beach.
Alka
Seltzer call this morning is for Janet – she is struggling badly and is
prepared to relinquish Liaison duties for the day. She is also still wondering how she managed to buy
conditioner instead of shampoo in Patong – even though the label was actually
in English, not Japanese!
Meg’s
special request for today is a REALLY LONG walk. Kendal’s ankle has nearly recovered from the last trek, and
she is feeling game for another.
Over
breakfast, Graham shares the plan for today:
-
a five minute trip by boat,
-
a kayak around some small islands and up into a river
-
a quick change into boots, and trek up the river, following a stream and
then attempting to ‘bash’ our way back over the hills to camp
Knowing
that NOBODY had tried this before, it sounds like an excellent adventure and the
five are ready to go in record time – less than two hours.
Dispatched
gently into kayaks – very very gently, in Janet’s case this morning, the
five proceed to explore the islands in the channel, where sea otters are often
sighted. The trees are alive with
monkeys, and the sky with eagles and kites.
It is a wonderful time for everyone to have a solitary paddle to enjoy
the wildlife.
Gradually,
Graham herded the group towards a
rivermouth, where everyone continued to paddle until the water was too shallow
to kayak further. Drawing the short
straw again, Porn and the guys were charged with taking the kayaks back to SEAL
1, and awaiting our call when we emerged from the wilderness….
On
with the boots, repellant, and suncream – and off for the BIG WALK.
The first excitement came with a monitor lizard, which was scared off the
mud and into the trees. Graham has
promised faithfully that today is a NO MUD day.
Knee deep and sinking fast, it has to be said that so far, the five were
feeling somewhat cheated …
But
all is forgiven soon enough, as the mangrove river is left behind for a
beautiful clear flowing brook. Following
upstream for a couple of hours, the five have a chance to experience clean,
fresh water and a different form of jungle, growing more and more into primary
forest as they climbed.
Kendal,
attractor and spotter of all forms of wildlife, has now managed to attract and
attach herself to the only leech within 100 miles. Warned that she had ‘something on her leg’, Kendal
brushed the little beastie off without ceremony, and then proceeded to bleed
copiously from the neat puncture hole it had left behind.
Graham, initially maintaining that it was all imagination, eventually
conceded that it was probably a leech.
Lunchtime
consisted of more of Niyah’s great sandwiches, enjoyed beside a waterfall,
with a swim for anyone feeling like a cool off.
Janet was putting up a sterling effort, and feeling okay.
The
path after lunch wasn’t obvious, mostly because it involved going straight up
the waterfall. This was a slippery,
exciting move into previously unexplored territory. The waterfall ascent took a
few prisoners, including Ryan who managed to give himself a full dunking –
after generously helping everyone else up safely.
It
came time to leave the stream, and head up into the jungle.
Graham unsheathed his machete in earnest, and it was ‘bashing’ from
here on. Initially, the uphill was
quite easy going, with plenty of trees and a relatively clear forest floor.
The progress was punctuated by plenty of chatter and giggling, -
“Prickles
– big ouch on the right”
“big
hole - ouch”
“slippery
slippery – THUMP - ouch bit”
The
terrain grew steeper, and some very old diphterocarps were still standing,
having survived the logging campaigns on more accessible parts of the island.
Finally reaching a high point, it was time for a pause, compass check,
and review. Darkness is only an hour or so away, and we are high up, but
not sure of the best route to take back down to the sea on the other side of the
island. But spirits are high, and
everyone is still doing well. Graham
leads off down the hill in pursuit of the Perfect Route Home.
The
Perfect Route Home is proving to be a shade troublesome as the trees dwindle and
the undergrowth thickens. A
streambed is spotted, and it is time to follow it down – streams will take the
fastest, most direct route down to the sea.
Sounds fine!
Steep
would be a good word to describe the climb down. Very very steep may describe it better. Han, having been quiet and causing no excitement for a couple
of days, decides it is time to take centre stage.
With the grace and elegance of a ballerina, Han flew down the hill,
landing facedown on a ledge. The
stunned silence that ensued seemed to last a lifetime, as everyone imagined
broken bones, concussion, and internal injuries. In seconds, Han was on her feet laughing again – no damage
done. Minutes later, a whole
cascade of bodies come hurtling down the slope in fits of giggles and shrieks.
We
know we are not far from the sea, but cannot see it, and it is starting to turn
to dusk. Graham is on the radio to
prepare Porn to come and collect us. The
conversation goes something like this….
Graham:
“Come in SEAL 1 – over”
Porn:
“This is SEAL 1 – over”
Graham:
“Ok Porn – you can get ready to come and pick us up, we’re not far away
– over”
Porn:
“OK – where are you? – over”
Graham:
“I have no idea and don’t ask such stupid questions – over and out”
It
is with no small amount of pride that some half an hour later, the whole team
emerge from the jungle directly behind base camp – perfectly positioned and
perfectly timed for nightfall. A
splendid achievement by all, with special note for Janet, struggling under the
handicap of a serious hangover, Kendal, who continues to ignore a hugely swollen
sprained ankle, and Han, who really fought against all odds to arrive home safe
and sound!
It
is a tired and well-exercised team that sits down to dinner tonight, but full of
the exaltations and tribulations of the day.
Good news is that the rum is still holding out, and the food is as good
as ever. Discussions for tomorrow
include a plan for a BIG PADDLE – now that the big walk has been done, it’s
a good opportunity to exercise those arms and shoulders!
This should ensure that everyone should be either totally fit, or
completely crippled by the end of the adventure. Tonight is to be a “girls
only” evening, as Meg, Han and Niyah burn the midnight oil, finishing in the
early hours with a beach walk and talk.
Day
6: 30th December 1998
Welcome
to another clear bright day. It
hasn’t rained all week, and yet the jungle is as vibrant green as ever.
Breakfast is the usual great Niyah production – but the end of the holiday
must be nigh, because the ALL BRAN is running low.
Today’s
briefing – it’s the day of the BIG PADDLE.
The map says we will be kayaking around three miles, some along the coast
and then try a crossing to another little island, where we can snorkel, laze and
meet SEAL 1 for a barbecue lunch.
So
this time, there’s no five-minute trip by boat, just straight into the kayaks
and away…
Hugging
the shore, the beaches and points pass by, a spot of white water surfing for
Graham (just as well the dry bag IS a dry bag….).
One of the sandy coves was a turtle egg-laying spot, and the SEAL team
had found a partially uncovered nest there a couple of weeks ago.
An old Burmese fishing boat sits wrecked in the next bay, blackened and
stark – strangely incongruous in the pristine natural surroundings
Hawkeye
Kendal strikes again, spotting a family of monkeys on the beach.
The pace is easy and relaxed, everyone is conserving her energy in
anticipation of a long day. As the final rocky outcrop before the island crossing
appears, the water is starting to get a little choppy, with white caps
stretching out toward the island. Rafting
up together, Graham gives the team a quick briefing for thewater crossing.
Basically, the wind and tide are both pulling in the same direction, and
to move to the beach, a strong left-hand bias will be needed on the paddles.
This is no joke. Sheryl and
Meg both discover that once the kayak is broadside to the waves, the ONLY kind
of paddling that is possible is a left stroke, and it does very, very little!
The handy trick of getting the kayak pointing into waves helps immensely, and in
no time good progress is being made by all. The other handy hint shared later,
was that nearly everyone managed to talk incessantly to herself
throughout the crossing – had anyone been able to hear what was going
on the whole group would probably have been certified completely mad.
Meanwhile,
SEAL 1 cruises past, complete with Niyah and the crew, who are going ahead to
set up the barbecue. SEAL 1’s two
minutes by boat is around another quarter of an hour paddle-power!
Landing on the beach with relief, and some triumph, the five immediately
set to the water for a snorkel. Strangely,
the paddling seems to have affected Han and Kendal, who have both lost all
powers of coordination and roll about helplessly for some time in the surf
trying to get their snorkeling kit on – limbs and fins flailing in new and
original ways. Fortunately, there
was a camera to hand to record these antics for posterity.
Graham
is possessed with the rock-climbing demon and takes his very swish camera up
with him for a photo session, as this is another new location for the trip.
Ryan
and Janet are happy to recline in comfort and “chill out”.
It
becomes obvious that lunch isn’t appearing on this particular beach – or
even on this particular island. The
good news, is that lunch is nearly ready, and the bad news is that it is right
over on another island – just a few minutes paddle away.
So,
because Graham is hungry, the five are mobilised, back into the kayaks and off
like lightening to the barbecue beach. It
is another great location, and another great meal.
The afternoon is a serious CHILL. Bodies
are seen disappearing below ground (the SEAL lads), reclining on kayaks (Ryan),
asleep on a chair where he was eating lunch two seconds ago (Graham),
sun-worshipping (Kendal, Janet, Han) and shade-slothing (Sheryl, Meg).
Little activity was apparent, Niyah cleaning up the kitchen and then
waking Graham up for a stroll, the odd swim or change of location for the rest.
As
the afternoon draws to an end, its time to make tracks home again.
Suddenly, the option of another twilight paddle seems very attractive,
and all but Janet and Meg decide to kayak back to camp.
The sea has calmed right down, and the trip back is peaceful, easy going.
The sun dropped into the most spectacular sunset seen on the trip, and
paddling together, Sheryl and Ryan decided the only option was to paddle
backwards to watch the sunset. This
worked beautifully for about five seconds, when suddenly the uncontrollable
effects of mind-altering drugs/alcohol set in – and manic circling ensued.
They give up and go forward again instead.
Meanwhile,
Hannie has joined Sheryl and Ryan. Han
has experimented today by wearing her contact lenses for the first time all day.
It is with some disbelief that Ryan and Sheryl hear Han say “so where
are the others then?” – when Graham, Kendal and Niyah are clearly visible
about 50 metres ahead. “Ah – Han – can’t you see them?
They’re just up there…..”
No,
Han cannot. Han is kayaking
virtually blind, as her contacts have salted up with all the seaspray.
She proves it immediately by heading on a full speed collision course
with a stationary Burmese fishing boat – just saved in the nick of time by
Ryan and Sheryl’s frantic yells. The
fishermen all look rather disappointed.
Visually
impaired or not, the trip back is magic. Once
again the light fades out gently in pinks and grays, and the water stills to
glass. The sounds of the jungle at
nightfall cast a spell over the kayakers, and the paddling grows very soft, so
as not to create any disturbance. It
has been a long trip, and the distant campfires are a welcome sight, but at the
same time gliding through the water this evening is one of those wonderful slots
of time that should be preserved forever.
Ashore
to reality, the shower, the rum, the food – and the sadness of a final evening
in the islands, the last meal to be shared at camp.
Over
dinner, all sorts of plans are hatched to stay another night, to celebrate New
Years Eve here. But
reality, and Myanmar immigration, says no, and the SEAL team are waiting to hear
if there are more customers coming out next week – or can the team let their
hair down and have a break? Instead,
a quick shopping list is compiled for the trip home – rum and jungle trousers
like Niyah’s, from Kawthaung, candles and khaki shorts from Ranong, and some
of those lovely Thai cushions….
It
is to be an early morning tomorrow, and organisation (AAAAAHHHHHH) will be
required to make sure Graham goes to pick up two passengers from one of the
other yachts by 6am, and more frightening, that the five can manage to be packed
and ready to leave by 8.30am.
Newsflash.
The rum has gone. The famous five, Niyah, Ryan, Graham and Porn have succeeded
in consuming 19 bottles of rum in six days.
This
makes it time for bed, for the last time in the tents…
Day
7: 31st December 1998
It’s
an early morning, and the five perform magnificently. The morning routine in paradise is disturbed little by the
arrival of two Frenchmen who have been on a
diving trip aboard one of the SEAL yachts. They wonder what kind of holiday madness they’ve been
brought to, as women emerge from all quarters, yelling abuse between tents,
giggling, galloping into the sea screaming, throwing skincare and haircare
products nonchalantly from girls to Ryan and back again, Graham serving
breakfast still reeking slightly of “Woman” by Davidoff, Ryan being asked
how it was sleeping with the cook again last night, and endless discussion on
mind altering drugs and how many Alka Seltzer are actually left for the New Year
experience.
Then
of course, there was the endless list of shopping to be done on the way home and
suddenly the Frenchmen’s hopes of catching their flight from Phuket at 4pm
seemed a little optimistic….
But
packed and loaded up, SEAL 1 is ready to leave on time.
Having all said quiet, and private good-byes to base camp and surrounds,
the five sadly take a beach mount of SEAL 1 for the last time.
As they settle into secure seating for the long trip back, Meg is heard
to sigh ….
“I
just want to stay on this boat forever. I LOVE this boat”
In
fact, all of the five want to stay forever.
Going home really is a lousy idea.
As
the islands are left behind, everyone is absorbed with their own thoughts of
farewell.
Back
at Kawthaung, there is bustle, and noise, and civilisation.
It is a rude awakening after the islands.
But there is shopping to be done, and a 20 minute mission sees several
pairs of jungle trousers purchased. As
the five return, they meet another SEAL group on their way out to the islands -
and somehow everyone already knows that these are the girls who drank 18 bottles
of rum in 6 days….
The
famous five hit civilisation again.
Unbelievably,
the five cross back to Thailand WITHOUT REMEMBERING TO BUY RUM.
How can this have happened? This
is a disaster that will haunt them all for months to come.
The
long mini-bus drive back is a subdued event, punctuated only by the odd polite
question to the Frenchmen, which was cause for immediate regret, as they
insisted on answering at great length. They
were in the concrete business – and really, what more can be said about that??
Thankfully,
the airport was reached in time for the flight, and the five were once again
left to their own devices – trying to organise the accommodation for the
evening to ensure the optimal hairdryer/shower/girl
ratio. Eager to escape from their
previous hotel, Sheryl, Meg and Han stop everywhere asking for a room.
But the town is full, and eventually it is just great that everyone gets
a bed.
It
is a weird, disorientating feeling to be surrounded by people, noise and light
again, and so strange to shower in a bathroom, with lights and walls, and find
running water in taps. Reconvening for dinner, there are only a few disasters
caused by the reallocation of people to different hotels – like Han’s outfit
for the evening happened to end up at Meg and Sheryl’s place.
But eventually the Five get organised, as ever, and are transformed once
again into civilised beings, wearing dresses and shoes and they scarcely
recognise one another.
It
is a disaster to return and find out how rum is served in the real world.
Lashings of extra measures are required, much to the amazement and
confusion of the restaurant and bar staff.
The
whole team is reunited to see in 1999, as Niyah, Ryan, Graham and Marlene join
up with the five for dinner and a zoom down to Patong just before midnight.
Somehow, the whole of Patong now seems to know that these are the girls
who drank 18 bottles of rum in Mergui.
A
suitably manic evening is had by all, and the party goes on, and on, and on,
well into New Year’s morning.
Postscript:
January 1999
New
Years Day
Alka
Seltzers all round this morning!
AM:
Farewell to Janet, leaving for
Myanmar again
AM:
Farewell to Kendal, flying home to Hong Kong.
Desperately hungover but looking stunning in her new Khaki jungle shorts.
…then
there were three
Han,
Sheryl and Meg enjoy the palatial delights of Patong Villa – a gentle day
nursing delicate heads.
Late
afternoon shopping in Patong, massages for Meg and Hannie.
An
early dinner and… somehow ending up at the Safari Club in the early hours
again???
January
2nd
Han
heads off home.
…
then there were two.
Meg
and Sheryl feel decidedly too few, and decide all the beaches in Phuket have too
many people and not enough kayaks or fast sexy boats.
So
they take their photos into the SEAL offices and disrupt the business for a few
hours.
A
quiet, civilised dinner and an early night.
January
3rd
Meg
and Sheryl sadly leave Patong villa, and reluctantly head back to Hong Kong to
find out what real life is all about again.
…
then there were none.
Quotable
Quotes
Niyah:
“I don’t like walls or houses”
Graham:
“the seventh dwarf was not Grumpy, just misunderstood”
Coco:
“Obla-de, Obla-da”
Porn:
“another bottle of rum to the liaison office please”
Ryan:
“my skin feels totally great”
Janet:
“I’ll tell you the ambassador story…”
Kendal:
“there’s actually nothing wrong with my ankle”
Han:
“I like it. It’s sourly”
Meg:
“I love geckos more than anything else in the whole wide world”
Sheryl:
“please don’t call me Welt
Woman”
So
end the Escapades
FAREWELL!!!
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